


Daily writings

by faboomaster666



Category: Achievement Hunter, Smosh, Supernatural
Genre: Buckets, Destiel - Freeform, F/F, Gay, M/M, Mavin, Other, PTSD, bari, i only mention joven like twice whoops, i upload these for fun, its indirect but be warned, marika - Freeform, moze - Freeform, shamien, shaymien - Freeform, trigger warning for mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-14 21:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 7,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13599066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faboomaster666/pseuds/faboomaster666
Summary: I'm in the smosh discord writing club and these are all my daily prompts! i decided to upload them here because idk why not





	1. January 25, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: enough

I can’t stop shaking. Everything is blurry and hot tears rush down my face, with no sign of stopping. “ _ Useless, worthless, nothing, ugly, stupid.”  _ All of their words rush through my head over and over as my breathing becomes more and more labored. Nothing is going to get better. It can’t get better. It won’t get better. I can’t, I can’t  _ I can’t. stop. this. feeling.  _ Do i even want to…?

  After what seems like hours but was probably only 30 minutes at best, I stand up. I’ve made my decision. I can’t handle this anymore. At this point, I feel numb, but radiant. My world is becoming doused in the darkness. The further I go, the harder it is to escape. I will continue to go deeper, and I will continue to grow more numb.

  The darkness consumes me once again as I am drawn in. I draw with silver and it comes out a deep crimson red; deeper than the darkest cocktail dress, more evil than the eyes that will haunt me in the night. There’s no turning back now. I am drawn back in, and this time I don’t think I’ll ever resurface. I will never return from this hell, and I am not sure that I want to.


	2. January 26, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: don't follow me

It was a simple question, really. “ _ What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”  _ Such a simple question, but so hard to answer. You wanted to give a simple answer, but you knew that it wouldn’t be enough. It would never be enough.  _ You  _ would never be enough. 

  You didn’t think that anyone would find out; That you would just do it and it’d be over faster than the words constantly swirling through your mind. You honestly thought that you would just end it and everybody would be sad for a moment, but forget about you. Some might’ve even been happy. Never in a million years did you think that you would be sitting here in your bedroom alone, spilling your guts to your best friend.

  You’re scared of trusting people, of being happy again. But you’re going to be okay. You’re trying  _ so goddamn hard _ . You want to get better, you just don’t know how. Honestly, the note was the hardest thing about all of this; Knowing that this would be the only thing that people would remember you by. At this point though, you didn’t care. So you wrote “Don’t follow me.” That’s it. That’s the only thing people were supposed to remember you by. Not this. Never this…


	3. January 27, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: you always smile like youre about to cry

_ “You always smile like you’re about to cry.”  _

_ “Wh-what?” _

_   “You do. You always look so sad. Are you ever actually happy?” _

_ “Of course I am. I’m just not good at showing it.” _

_   “Clearly. You should work on it, nobody wants to be near someone who’s always sad.” _

_ “But I’m not always sad.” _

_      “You sure do act like it.” _

_ “Oh. I’ll work on it then.” _

_   “Good.” _

 

__ Is that all there is? Is that really the last thing she wanted to say to me? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m still happy that I became this way. A way where I can make somebody scream, whenever I don’t show lingering feelings. A way where I am careful not to show what I really feel. It’s good to not know vulnerability...right? Is it good to not know anything but what you keep inside?

  I’ve never known anything else. People always ask me, “ _ what were you like before? _ ” Before what? Before I was the way that I am now? I have no idea. How can I be what I was “before” if I don’t even know who that was myself? How could I possibly go back to “normal” when I don’t even know what “normal” is?

  There is no normal. There is only me, the me that existed three years ago, eight years ago, before me myself existed. There is only who I am now, so why try to change it? Why try to change what never was? I don’t get it. Honestly, I don’t believe that I ever will, but that’s okay. It’s all okay.


	4. January 28, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: it wasn't my job to destroy it, it was my job to get it done

It wasn’t my idea to destroy it. It was my job to get it done. Out of all the years that I’ve been doing this, I never expected the job to end like this. I can see Gavin laying on the ground, blood running from god knows where at this point. I want to go to him, I  _ have _ to go to him.

  All we wanted to do was get the drugs, and be in and out in half an hour at most. But then they found us. I had thought for sure that Ryan had checked twice,  _ thrice,  _ that they wouldn’t be back until at least 2 am. Now Gavin is bleeding out, my legs are killing me, and most if not all of the drugs are ruined. 

 “Gavin! Can you hear me? We’ve got to get you out of here.” I scream.

Gavin is mostly unresponsive, until, “Michael. You were always so lovely, Michael.”

 I barely catch the words. What the hell is he talking about? He can’t die! Not here, not now!

“Gavin, no! Let’s get you out of here!”

  I attempt to pick him up, but the second I do I can feel hot blood seeping through my clothes.  _ Shit, this isn’t good. _

“Goodbye Michael.”

“I promise, I’m going to save you Vav. Oh my god, I love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Not now, not like this. I need you okay you dummy?” Hot tears are running down my face.

...

  “Vav please, answer me.  _ Please!” _


	5. January 29, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: what if?

I can’t feel anything. For so long, I’ve always tried to figure out who i was, who I  _ am _ , but I never found out. I don’t think that I ever will. Every single day, I think “ _ what if this isn’t real _ ?,” “ _ what if any of this isn’t real _ ?” In my mind, it isn’t. It never has been, and it never will be.

  This mentality makes me forget the simplest things, how the word “hello” sounds and what it means, forgetting that I saw my friend three days ago, the fact that said friend has had the same haircut for months but I’m still completely blanking. 

  Words mean nothing, the way people feel means nothing. Nothing matters, but at the same time it all does. Feeling unreal, is feeling everything and nothing at the same time. It’s like you know that you’re there, but also not knowing where “there” is. 

  It’s saying “what” to everything because you don’t get it. It’s feeling like you’re floating, but sinking at the same time. It’s feeling everything and nothing at the same time and feeling  _ so damn confused.  _ It’s saying “I don’t know” to everything, because you cannot even comprehend even the simplest of words. It’s Googling everything that’s happening and then not trusting what pops up. It’s taking five minutes just to process that people are saying anything to begin with, but no matter how hard you try you can never truly understand.

  It’s the best and worst feeling in the entire world, something that no matter how hard you try you just can’t escape it. You will never escape it. You can’t escape it, and sometimes you don’t want to. You know that you should, but you just can’t no matter how hard you try. So you accept it. You accept every numb feeling that your body can handle, until you just  _ snap _ . You snap, because you don’t get it. You snap because you can’t get it.  _ You snap because you never WILL get it _ . 


	6. January 30, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: not deep enough

Michael walks to the bathroom and takes an extra long shower. He even spends time afterward using a face scrub and brushing his teeth so hard his gums hurt. After he’s been sufficiently cleaned by his standards, he goes and puts on the softest pajamas that he owns. He forgot how much he used to love these, and spoils himself in the warmth for a moment or two. But then he remembers; he has a mission. Nothing is going to stop him at this point and the adrenaline is the only thing keeping him going right now.   
  Michael goes to the medicine cabinet and grabs every prescription medication he can get his hands on. He then goes to the craft drawer and grabs a box cutter. Not exactly what he wanted but it’ll do. He then grabs two bottles of water and heads back to his room.   
  He sits down on the bed and lays out his supplies. Michael dumps all five bottles of pills into one pile and starts to count. Turns out that he has 83 pills. “ _ That’ll do, considering they’re all different doses. _ ” he thinks. He starts to divide them into piles of about 4-5 each. He has around 19 piles, and to be honest it looks like a lot. Michael can’t bring himself to care how much it is, as long as it does it’s job. He throws the box cutter as hard as he can against his wooden floor and it breaks, leaving only a few stray pieces and the blade sitting right there in the middle of his floor. He gets up and grabs it and lays it next to his other materials.   
  Michael opens one of the water bottles and gets to work. He downs group after group until there’s only one more left. He drank one full bottle and most of the second one, but there was a little bit left so he downed that too. There’s no going back now so he downs it and grabs the blade in his hand. He’s shaking a lot but still puts it to his wrist regardless. He presses down and drags it across his skin. Blood starts to bead up on his wounds.   
“Not. Deep. Enough” He mutters to himself.   
  He does it again and again over the same spot until he can’t bear it, and then he continues onto other ones once he gets a good pressure. He does this around 9 times until he starts to get to weak to move his arms and too tired to stay awake.   
  “Goodbye...Vavino.” Michael utters what he thinks is his last words and falls into a deep sleep, his breathing and heartbeat slowing down gradually as his wrist throbs, seeping blood.

  “Hey Michael, I got chinese!” Gavin walk into their apartment.

He doesn’t get the usual peppy response, weird. Gavin sets the food down on the table, and starts searching the apartment. He’s nowhere to be found. There’s only one place left to check, the bedroom. Gavin goes to open the door, maybe even surprise him. In the end, he’s the one who got surprised.

  “MICHAEL WHAT THE FUCK DON’T PLEASE!!!” Gavin immediately rushes over to Michael. “What have you done? No no no no nononononono please no!”

  Gavin drops to the floor after seeing the multitudes of pill bottles and empty water bottles. He can’t save him...he’s gone. No…He had thought that he was fine. Gavin honestly thought that Michael was okay! He was taking his antidepressants, going to therapy twice a week, he was fucking happy! So why this?


	7. January 31, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: pizza

“What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t fucking know just pick something I’m starving!”

  “Okay okay, how’s pizza then?”

“Extra cheese.”

  “Done.” 

  The pizza finally arrived at their shared apartment, and they quickly settle down into a mess of pajamas, cuddling, soft blankets,  pizza, and Game of Thrones. It took longer than expected to arrive, but that just gave them more time to essentially make a fort on the couch.

  “Mariiiiiii get me a beeerrrrrr.”

“Get it yourself big ass Boze.”

  ‘Marrriiiiiiiiiiiii please!!! I’m comfy!”

“So am I, just go get it yourself.”

  “Fine.” Boze reluctantly gets up and grabs a six pack of beer, to prevent having to get up again later.

  One pizza and three beers later, Mari is ready to go to sleep but Boze isn’t having any of it. She keeps whining and pawing at Mari like a needy kitten, and to be honest it’s not that far off of a comparison. After what feels like literal hours Mari gets tired of being basically punched in the chest and pulls her tiny girlfriend down.

  “AHH!” Boze lets out probably the cutest little squeal known to man.

Mari kisses the top of her girlfriend’s head and she immediately settles down.  _ I can’t believe that’s all it takes for her to settle down _ . Soon Boze falls asleep on her chest, and it doesn’t take long for sleep to catch Mari either.


	8. February 1, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: sick

Mari doesn’t know what to do. Boze has been sick for three days, only getting worse and worse. She’s been feeding her soup, giving her cold washcloths for her head, bundling her in extra blankets, the works. What else is there to do?

  Mari’s been sitting on the couch for the past three hours waiting for Boze to wake up from her extremely elongated “twenty minute nap.” suddenly she hears a fit of coughing.  _ Shit.  _ Okay y’know what, that’s it. Mari’s taking her to the ER whether she likes it or not.

  ~idk like an hour later~

Boze is attached to too many wires to count, and has been stripped of her usual sweatpants and hoodie in place for a hospital gown. They were transferred to the county hospital because of the severity of her condition. Apparently Boze has a condition called adenocarcinoma, a type of lung cancer. Mari never expected it to be this bad, but considering how quickly onset her symptoms became, she’s glad that they got to a hospital soon enough.

  The doctor told Mari that it is treatable for how quickly they caught it, but she’ll have to go through some chemotherapy and radiation to speed up the process. It’ll be a hard next 6 months, but they can get through anything together.

  They were together for when Mari’s brother died, for when Boze’s cat died, and even when both of them lost their jobs and they had to figure out what their next steps were. They’ve been together through everything, and nothing is going to stop Mari from staying by Boze’s side through this too. 

 


	9. February 2, 2018

There is already an actual story up on here for today's prompt!!! please check my account if you would like to read that!


	10. February 3, 2018

today was actually my birthday so i didnt actually get to write anything, im sorry!!


	11. February 4, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: love

“ _ For I can’t help, falling in love with you.” _

Cheering overtakes Mari’s ears as Boze finishes her ukulele cover of  _ Can’t Help Falling In Love _ for their wedding. Mari is standing in awe, as Boze walks over to her and grabs her hands.

  “I am so happy to have you in my life, Mari. I can’t believe that you got to propose to me first, but you did and I’m ecstatic that we’re able to share our lives. We’ve been living together for over two years, dated for over 6, I just really think that this is the right next step. I love you so much Mariko Takahashi-Bozeman. I am so happy to be Ericka Takahashi-Bozeman, and let two lives bind into one.”

  “Ericka… Thank you so much for being in my life for this long. Your song was beautiful, and this has been the best day of my entire life. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see where life takes us throughout our journey of life.”  Mari is in absolute tears, holding Boze’s hands tightly, obviously no sign or intent of letting go. 

  Boze takes Mari’s face in her hands, and kisses her forehead softly, before pulling her into a tight hug. They are together forever now, and no matter what happens nothing will ever separate them. 


	12. February 5, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: sicken

 

  Gavin stares at the medium-rare steak on his plate. Ryan had taken them to a fancy restaurant for their first date, a bit  _ too  _ fancy for Gavin’s taste. Ryan took to it to order for the two of them and Gavin wasn’t complaining. Once the food had arrived however, Gavin didn’t move to start eating. In fact, he just stared at it for about five minutes until Ryan finally noticed that something was up.

  “Is something wrong with your food, Vav? Do you not like it?” Ryan asks with genuine concern painted across his face.

  “Ahh, umm...I probably should’ve mentioned this before the date but uhh...I’m vegetarian,” Gavin doesn’t meet Ryan’s eyes as he starts to turn a light shade of red, smiling sheepishly. “The thought of eating a cow, nonetheless meat in general… it sickens me to be honest. I’m really sorry Ry, I should’ve said something sooner.”

  Ryan reaches across the table and lifts up Gavin’s head. “Hey, Gavin. It’s okay. I’m not upset with you, in fact I’m actually proud of you for speaking up. So what you don’t eat meat? That’s totally fine and shouldn’t have to change anything between us. I can order you something else if you want, I honestly don’t mind at all.”

  “You really don’t have to, I can just wait for you if you want.” Gavin’s face turns five shades darker as he averts his eyes, once again.

  “No no no, that won’t do. You need to eat something, and I am more than happy to get it for you. Now, what else would you like?” Ryan grins, a gleam in his eye.


	13. February 6, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: dance

_ Yeah... Wanna put this song on replay, I can listen to it all day, I can listen to you all day, you all day...Yeah wanna put this song on replay, we can start all over again, and again. Wanna put this song on re…-don’t stop turn it up turn it up make it louder…  _

   Mari dances to this song so gracefully, and she never wants to stop. This song has always been one of her favourites, especially now. She has been working so hard to get her choreography just right for the big day. See, turn out that the big day is tomorrow, and she still doesn’t have down the middle section of her dance. Mari has been in the studio since 5am that morning, and it’s around 8pm now. She’s barely taken a break and there’s nothing that can make her stop now.

  This is the moment she’s been waiting for. Mari has been working towards this day for 6 months now, and it’s finally here. She’s been tweaking and poking at very specific spots in her movements and she finally has it  _ just right _ . 

  “Now for the final performance of the night, Mariko Takahashi, dancing to  _ Replay  _ by Zendaya!”

Cheers erupt from the audience as Mari takes her starting position on center stage. The lights dim, and a soft purple light overtakes the stage. The acoustic of the song begins, and Mari starts to move ever so carefully and gracefully. As the song progresses, her movements get more and more intense, and the colour of the lights change from purple, to blue, to pink, and so on.  _ Don’t stop, turn it on, turn it up, make it louder I don’t wanna miss a single thing. Wanna hear every melody…  _

  The entire theatre is silent in awe and as the song comes to an end,  it is almost completely silent for a few seconds. Suddenly people start screaming and cheering, and a few even throw flowers. Mari is overwhelmed with joy, as she takes her final bow and walks off stage.

  Standing right in the middle of her dressing room there is Boze, Joven,  Damien, and Shayne waiting for her. They greet Mari with shouts of encouragement and hugs, as she starts to cry out of sheer joy. Mari is so overwhelmed with happiness from her friends and stress from performing, that she just breaks down sobbing and falls to her knees. Boze goes down with her and holds her, whispering sweet nothing to her, trying to calm her down.

  Everything is just so much right now for Mari, so of course she would feel a bit overwhelmed with it. She’s just so happy to have her friend’s support on everything she’s done and gone through. Mari stays on the floor a bit longer, until she’s composed herself enough to stand. All five of them walk out together, waiting to greet the crowd that has formed for Mariko Takahashi, first place winner of the Sunflower Studio’s dance competition.


	14. February 8, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: ghost

_ Wh...What’s going on? I can see everything, but no matter what I do nobody will even acknowledge me. Does everybody hate me? _

__ Nobody’s paying attention to me, they don’t even flinch when I touch them. Wait...Where’s Michael?

  “Michael?  _ MICHAEL? WHERE ARE YOU, PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME!”  _ Gavin screams until his throat hurts.

  Nobody even bats an eye at him and as he runs through the streets, cars don’t halter, people don’t flinch, nothing is changing. They’re just living their lives, unbothered by whatever insanity is plaguing Gavin during this moment. Why isn’t anything changing? What the hell is going on?

  A soft buzz in Gavin’s pocket startles him, and he reaches down to find his phone.  _ OH THANK GOD, IT’S MICHAEL!  _

_   Michael: Vav? Where are you? I’ve been looking everywhere, and I can’t find you. _

_ Gavin: Oh thank god Michael, I was so scared. I’m by the 5th and 3rd intersection. _

_   Michael: Good, you’re not far. I’ll be there in 10. _

_ Gavin: Please hurry. _

__ Michael all but sprints to the intersection where Gavin said that he’d be, but there’s just one thing missing; where the hell is he?

  “ _ Michael! I’m over here! Why aren’t you talking to me? _ ” Gavin goes up to Michael, waving his hands in his face.

  There’s not one bit of recognition in his face, or even acknowledgement. Michael pulls out his phone and texts Gavin, “where r u?” Gavin feels his phone buzz in his pocket, and reaches down to it.

  “ _ What do you mean? I’m right in front of you” _

Michael looks down at his phone in confusement. What does he mean he’s right there? There’s nobody anywhere near him. Michael’s leaning on the lampost next to the street sign, trying to figure out what the hell is happening here. Clearly, something is up if Gavin says that he’s right in front of him but Michael doesn’t see anyone.

  Michael brings his phone up to his face, seeing if he can just call him instead to figure this out.

“ _ Hello? Michael? What the hell’s going on, I’m right here. _ ” Gavin is talking frantically into the phone.

  “Woah, woah, Gavin calm down. I honestly have no idea where you are but I’m sure we can figure this out. You said you’re at the intersection of 5th and 3rd right? The one by the bakery?” Michael is still super confused into what’s happening, so he just waits for Gavin’s response.

  “ _ Yes, and I can see you, I’m standing right in front of you. You’re wearing your dark blue jeans and MCR shirt. Your hair is pulled back into an honestly quite pathetic man-bun, and you’re wearing your hipster glasses that you wear because you think that they’re cool but they’re really not. _ ” Gavin takes his time describing every little detail to Michael to prove that he knows exactly what he’s seeing.

  Okay now Michael is a little bit freaked out. What the hell is happening here, is this some sort of prank? Gavin got everything exactly right from his shirt to how he’s wearing his hair today. 

  “Vavino...Can you reach out and touch me?” Michael hesitantly askes Gavin, still unsure of this whole thing.

  “ _ Oh umm, yeah one sec, _ ” Gavin reaches out and pokes Gavin’s shoulder. He doesn’t even flinch, just seems to be waiting for something to happen. “ _ Okay uhh, it looks like you didn’t do anything. I poked your shoulder just now, you didn’t feel it? _ ”

  “I didn’t. And you’re absolutely sure that it’s me you touched?”

“ _ Yes, 100%. Call Geoff, something’s not right. _ ” Gavin hangs up, still staring at Michael. It’s not like it’s creepy or anything, considering that he can’t even see him, apparently.

  One phone call later, and a heck ton of more experimenting, they’ve come to one conclusion and one only; Gavin’s a ghost. It doesn’t seem exactly plausible, but considering everything else freaky that’s been going on lately it’s kinda made sense. The only problem now is how do we get him back?


	15. February 9, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: soothe

“Did you actually think that I would be mad at you? If anything this just one more thing to love about you.” Michael grabs Gra- _ Gavin’s  _ hands in his own and kisses him on his forehead.

  Gavin sniffs and pulls away to wipe the tears gathering in his eyes. He leans back up against Michael and just lets him hold him as tight as he can for as long as he wants. Once Gavin starts to feel better, he grabs Michael by the wrist and drags them to their shared bedroom. He opens the drawer that he never let Michael look into before, and shows him various chest binders and different sized packers that he’s collected throughout the years. 

  “Grac- _ Gavin _ , you’ve had all of this? I understand your fear, but you can talk to me about these things, okay? You don’t have to keep this stuff a secret from me. I will never, and I mean  _ never,  _ judge you especially for something like this. It’s going to be long, and it’s going to be hard. But if this is who you truly are I will do my absolute best to be there for you and make you feel valid as hell.” Michael tells him with complete seriousness, keeping eye contact the entire time.

  Gavin is silent for the entire, only staring at the abundance of things that he’s kept private for so long. He hasn’t said anything for the past 30 minutes or so, including the time directly after he told Michael. He knows that Michael loves him, but there’s just that little voice constantly reminding him that what if he doesn’t accept him? What if he would always be  _ Grace _ , that weak, tiny, private girl that never spoke up or disagreed with anything because she was too scared of the consequences? But he’s not that girl. He never was, he just never knew how to say otherwise. But now he did, and Michael still loves him. Even more, actually.


	16. February 10, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: deafening

   Gunshots ring throughout the air, as Mari takes cover around the corner of the old barn. She and Damien had been on a heist and were super careful. Or at least that’s what they thought. Someone had tipped off Bozeman, the boss of the opposing crew, to what they were doing and they got bombarded by a group of basically soldiers. Just when Mari thinks that it’s over, she hears a deafening gunshot right by her ear, feeling the wind of the bullet on her neck.

 

 

 

~sorry its super short i really didnt have much motivation for this one~


	17. February 11, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: pasta

“PASTA ISN’T ORIGINALLY ITALIAN YOU ASS!” Gavin screams at Michael.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YES IT IS!” Michael bites right back.

  They’ve been going on like this for hours, until Michael finally just says “fuck it” and Googles it. Michael’s whole stature physically falls, as the results load to show that pasta, in fact, is originally Chinese. He can’t believe it. Gavin, the absolute  _ dumbest  _ member of Achievement Hunter, was actually correct for once.

  “See I told you asshat,” Gavin smirks and crosses his arms. “You just didn’t want to admit that for once in your life, you were wrong.”

  Michael’s face turns a deep red and he hides behind his hands.

Geoff breaks the tense silence by saying, “So uhh, can we keep eating?”


	18. February 12, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: scream

   They’ve been through this a million times before, but that never makes it any easier. Dean is panting, holding on to Cas’ arm like it’s his life source, sweat beading up on his forehead. He knows that it shouldn’t affect him in the way that it does, but he doesn’t stop. Somehow Cas never questions him, but he’s always there. He never leaves, even afterwards, no matter how much Dean tries to say that he’s fine.

   Cas strokes Dean’s hair gently, as he cries into his chest. No matter how many times he does it, it still hurts just as much. Dean never thought that he would break down this much, much less in front of Cas. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, oh boy.

   Dean suddenly gets hit by an intense wave of flashbacks, and screams out. Cas holds him tighter, as Dean curls in on himself. Castiel resorts to whispering sweet nothings into Dean’s ears as he starts violently shaking. Dean can’t control what he’s doing right now, but that’s okay because it’s not going to change how much Castiel loves him.

  “Hey, hey. Dean can you hear me right now?” Castiel speaks gently into Dean’s ear.

  Dean doesn’t verbally respond, but Cas can work with that. 

  “Baby listen to me, they can’t get you here. I promise, I’m keeping you safe in every way possible. Nobody is going to hurt you here, I promise.” Castiel continues his little ramble on how much he loves Dean and how he’s never going to let anything hurt him if it kills Castiel.

  Cas just keeps talking, it seemingly calming down Dean quite a bit. After god knows how long Dean is calm, and appears to have fallen back asleep. Cas kisses the top of Dean’s head and settles down, falling asleep still holding Dean in his arms.


	19. February 13, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: lonely

   I have people, it’s not like I’m ever really alone. So why do I feel this way? Why is there the constant feeling of I’m not good enough? I mean, what else is there for me to do? I sit, I listen, I communicate, I do all of these things, yet I never feel like I’m enough. I have so much, yet so little. 

  It’s not like I’m ungrateful for what I have, I’m not. I’m just...lonely. There’s really no other way to explain what I’m feeling, besides this. I’m never alone and I know that, but there’s always this nagging voice in my mind that tells me I’m not good enough. The same voice who tells me that I shouldn’t eat, or that nobody loves me. 

  It’s all there, so why can’t I tell myself that it’s okay? Why can I never fucking tell myself that I am fine, even when it’s not a lie? But it always will be. It’s always going to be a lie, to myself and everybody around me. Just let me tell the truth. Just let me tell the truth. Just let me tell the truth. Just let me tell the truth. Don’t let me lie anymore. Don’t let me lie. Don’t let me. Don’t let… Don’t.


	20. February 14, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: song prompt - I'm Just Your Problem/You're Your Own Problem ~ Ash and Caleb cover

_    Is that what people really think about me, that I’m a god above all of you?  Sorry I don’t treat you like you’re perfect, like all your little loyal subjects do! Sorry if I seem malicious, but I can’t sympathize with you. I know that it hurts when you’re lonely, but I can’t take that burden from you! _

__ No matter what Damien does, he can never seem to get it right. He always feels like he’s screwing up somehow, and always makes people upset. He doesn’t know how to make it better, or what needs to change but obviously it’s something. It seems like no matter what he does someone always gets mad at him, and if he tries to fix it it just gets worse and worse.

_ I’m just your problem, I’m just your problem. It’s like I’m not even a person am I? I’m just your problem… Now, you wear this defensive attitude! But I shouldn’t have to prove anything to you! I’m sorry that I exist, I forgot what landed me on your blacklist. _

__ Damien knows that he can’t really change who he is, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Anytime he does something, he always ends up disappointing someone, or getting them mad at him. He doesn’t know why this happens, but it does and it really fucking hurts. He starts violently shaking and he can’t stop. He doesn’t care though, and why should he? It’s not like anyone else really cares, or at least if they do they don’t show it. They never show it. They haven’t shown it for a long time. They won’t show it.

_ Why do I want to? Oh, I still want to. I don’t have a clue, so why do I want to? And i guess that’s why, I wanna bury you into the ground! Because i care! Oh, you wanna bury me with your sound! I’m sorry that it’s this way, i don’t know what else to say… But I promise you, you could never push me away. _

  Damien doesn’t expect his so-called “friends” to understand why he’s the way that he is, why he sometimes paces across the same path for hours and only stopping if he runs into something. They will never understand why he gets overwhelmed so quickly, why he rocks his entire body back and forth, loves beads and other textured things, or claps only his fingers together but never his palms, because  _ god forbid  _ he claps his palms. His friends will never understand why he can disappear for days at a time, and then suddenly return like nothing happened.

  Damien understands the looks that he gets, the comments people murmur under their breaths. He gets it, he really does. But when people don’t even make the effort to stay quiet or look away when he notices them, that’s when it really hurts. The fact that people will come up to him and ask him what’s wrong with him. Not in a concerned way either, like an insult. Like in a   _ why can’t you control yourself  _ way. Nobody is going to ever understand why he is the way that he is, but that’s okay. He doesn’t have to make people understand, and most of the time he doesn’t even want to.

    _I cannot wait for when you say, I'm just your problem..._


	21. February 15, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: bucket

buh-KET!!!


	22. February 16, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: endure

  There’s no evidence against them. At least not the type that you can see. The emotional scars, the words burned into my brain, they’re all there. There were rarely any physical signs, just what I decided to show on the outside. They passed it off as being depressed or edgy. It’s not that. It was never that.

  The words hurt just as bad as being hit. It’s not fake, not something that you could easily lie about. It could never be something that I could also just show and have proof of. There’s no pictures, no recordings, no signs on the outside. And how could there be? Words don’t leave a print painting your body in a way that it shouldn’t be. 

  Words don’t leave documents of going to a doctor’s office or sickening photos taken by the police. Words do not make people ask you what happened or why you’re wearing sunglasses inside. Words don’t do that. They never have, and never will. 

  The sound of doors, garages opening, footsteps throughout the house. They shouldn’t scare me, but they do. Because when’s the next time I’ll get peace? Will it be love, or will it be locking my door and blasting loud music to tune out the screams and banging on my door? I don’t know. Frankly, I’m afraid to even ask.

  My nights get longer, days get shorter, sadness grows, and happiness slows. But I am alive. I’ve endured thus far, and I can do it longer. Giving up at this stage is not an option. It will  _ never  _ be an option. I’m not living, I’m surviving, and sometimes? That’s all I could ever ask for.


	23. February 17, 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: n/a

I didn't write today whoops


	24. February 18, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: creepy

_ You need… to...now. If you can hea-is- leave. Please you h-sten. _

The intercom cuts in and out, and she can only hear bits and pieces of the audio. Mari walks through the darkened house, looking behind herself every few seconds. She lost Boze and Shayne a few hours ago, and now she’s just wandering around. Mari’s taken to herself not to trust anything that she hears, especially from the intercom. It sounds so much like Shayne and Boze stealing the mic from each other, trying to reach Mari, but she still doesn’t trust it.

  Mari keeps walking, trying to find an exit. She keeps hearing noises and voices coming over the intercom, which she tries to block out. Suddenly though, she hears an ear-piercing scream. It almost sounds like Boze but she still doesn’t trust it, until she sees a wounded, bloodied, Boze come darting around the corner with a slight limp. She runs into Mari’s arms, and just breaks down sobbing, as Mari holds her tight.


	25. February 19, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: draw

  Dean is sitting at his desk, staring at the blank page in front of him. He’s been looking at it for god knows how long, trying to figure out the best way to start. He had promised Sammy that he would draw him a picture of their mom, since he is good at realism. The only problem is, Dean is coming down with a heavy case of artist’s block and has no idea how to start it. He knows he can draw, he just has a hard time picking up the pencil and getting to work.

  Sammy has been in and out of their shared hotel room, gathering food and supplies from a convenience store down the road. He has no idea how long he just sits there until Sam finally touches his shoulder gently.

  “Dude, I’ve been in and out for like three hours and you haven’t moved an inch. You good?”

  Dean finally looks up, taking a moment to respond. “Oh uh, yeah I’m fine Sammy. Why do you ask?”

  “Why do you think you arse? Like I said before, you haven’t moved an inch. You know you can take a break right?” Sam crosses his arms and leans against the wall.

  Dean sits back and sighs bringing his hands up to his face. In the end, Sam is right, he needs to take a break. Dean stands up, only to fall face first onto the soft hotel bed. He takes a deep sigh, and falls asleep almost instantly.


	26. February 20, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: bait

   What if I told you that you were being used? That every day of your life for the past seven years was a lie? What if I said that every single relationship you’ve had, wherebeit friendship or otherwise, was for the other person’s benefit in some way. That every single person you trusted was only with you for some ulterior motive? 

  Those thoughts fly through my mind every single day. That everybody I know and love is just constantly using me for their own good. I mean, I know that they aren’t, but sometimes it feels like I’m only there when they need me. I’m just bait. Bait for what they really want, for what they really need. Most of the time, they don’t make an effort to talk to me, and I don’t make an effort back. In the end, does it even really matter? I can make them happy by being there when I’m needed, but staying out of the way when I’m not.

  I can be there when you want me, and not exist at all when you don’t. I can be what you need, and shut down the rest of me when prompted. I can be everything for you, or I can be nothing. Just say the word and I can do it. But sometimes? Sometimes I don’t want to be bait. I don’t want to only exist when you need me. I want to be there for you all the time, through the good and bad. But I guess I can’t do that, huh? I guess I truly can’t be who I want to be as long as I am with you. As long as I give myself to you, I lose myself to me.

  You know, one day we’ll be fine again. I won’t know you, and you won’t know me. It doesn't have to be the way that it is. It never had to be. But it is what it is, and that’s good enough for me right now. It will always be good enough, because at least I have you. At least I have you in my life somehow, even if it’s not in the way that I had hoped. At least you exist to me.


	27. February 21, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: whisper

  He told me not to talk. I’m not allowed to make a single noise or move at all. He says he’ll keep me safe, and I believe him. Maybe one day he’ll let me come and talk to him again, but until then, I stay here. I stay in the room, door shut, only a nightlight and my extremely dimmed phone screen. He tells me that if I absolutely need to talk, I should whisper. I should not talk at a “normal” level, not even dare to raise my voice in the slightest. Just whisper.

  “Just whisper.” he tells me.

I thought that I was doing a good job already, but apparently I’m not quiet enough. I never seem to be quiet enough. He told me today that when I asked for water, I was being too loud. To lower my voice, and be more conscious of my volume.

  It’s not bad, what he’s doing to me. He’s just trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe from the Bad People. There are a lot of Bad People out there, and with his protection, I don’t ever have to know what they’re like. I don’t even want to, they sound so horrible. It’s not like I don’t know what it’s like, it’s that everything always changes so fast and it’s terrible and I can never keep up. That’s why he’s keeping me here. That’s why I let him keep me safe, because he knows what’s best for me.

  Just whisper. Whisper so you don’t bother the neighbors, whisper so that you don’t bother  _ him _ , whisper so that you stay out of trouble. 

 Just whisper. Whisper for your own and his safety, whisper so that you don’t get the lamp taken away. Whisper so that he doesn’t come back at night. So that he doesn’t hurt you in the ways that he does. He was supposed to make me feel safe. So why am I always so scared?


	28. February 22, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: frame

  “Pfft, I need to frame this,” Cas laughs. “This is too good.”

Apparently Dean and Sam had been wrestling, like genuinely wrestling, when Castiel walked in. He stopped in the doorway, as he saw Dean being held down on the floor, his hair tousled and shirt slightly pushed up and wrinkled. Honestly if he didn’t know  the two, he would think that it was something  _ completely  _ different.

  Cas whips his phone out and snaps a photo of the two, still shocked at the scene he walked in on. Sam’s head snaps up as it finally sinks in what just happened, and he jumps up off of Dean, turning a bright red as he starts to yell at Cas.

  “Dude! Delete that, oh my god, we were wrestling!” Sam’s voice jumps up a couple pitches, as his face turns even more red.

  “Haha, never Samuel, this baby is getting blown up and printed!” Castiel yells around his shoulder, as he runs down the motel hall. 

  “Aw shit,” Dean groans, sitting up and putting his head in his hands. “Not this again…”

  Cas doesn’t know why he decides to tread on foot instead of just transporting, but it’s more fun this way. He can hear Sam and Dean running behind him screaming obscenities, but he doesn’t slow down. In fact, it actually appears that he’s running faster now. Castiel is basically sprinting now, as he turns the street corner heading towards the copy center. 

  Cas swings the door open, all but runs to the front desk, and shows the copymaster his phone.

  “Can you blow this up to a larger photo size, as soon as possible?” Castiel asks, speaking fast and stumbling over his words

  “Of course sir, the largest size is the one we have over there.” The man at the desk points over to a wall, displaying the different sizes you can get.

  Suddenly, Sam and Dean burst into the store, both screaming over each other for the copymaster not to listen to Cas, and absolutely  _ do not  _ blow up that photo. Cas just laughs as they stumble over each other, trying to get at him.

  The copymaster stops and stares at the scene in front of him, not quite sure what to do, deciding against saying anything. He continues to get the size that Castiel asked for, not even attempting to ask any questions.

  “Okay sir, please email us the photo at the address on this paper, and just sign this form and we will have it done for you later today. Please sign these three spots, and make sure to mark whether you want it in colour or in greyscale.” The copymaster places a document on the table and hands Cas a pen to sign with.

  Dean and Cas have basically given up, finally realizing that there’s nothing they can do to make Cas stop. They both sit at the chairs at the front of the store, and just sit in silence while they wait for Cas to finish up. 

  “Alright sir, your photo will be completed in 3 hours. Please feel free to come back anytime this evening and pick it up,” The copymaster seems relieved that all the commotion is over. “Have a nice day!”

  Castiel walks out of the store with a smirk, Sam and Dean following clearly defeated. 

“Well fellas, looks like you’ll have a new portrait later tonight.”,


	29. February 23, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: Summer

  I feel so bright and happy, like a summer day. There’s nothing that can stop me now, and nobody better even think about it. It’s not like my illnesses suddenly disappeared, they’re just not there right now. And I’m super happy about it

  Why can’t I feel like this at 11 am instead of 11 pm? Confidence is rare for this body, but when it happens, it’s almost euphoric. I absolutely  _ live  _ for the moments where I can just drop everything that I’ve known, and become a completely different person. Imagine this kind of person during the day.

  Imagine me doing and feeling this every single day. Every single day, there’s one more happy bright person to look forward to. Just one more good day, one more hour,  _ just one more minute of feeling this joy. _

__ That’s all I ask for; just a little bit more time.


End file.
